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Legendary Love – The Big Day & Conflict

March 9, 2010

I’m sure you all were wondering what happened to me last week….let’s just say that between travel and sick kids, I had very limited time to myself, so I’ll wrap 2 weeks into 1.

2 weeks ago in our Legendary Love series, we got to the point in Song of Solomon where the wedding and honeymoon took place.  Song of Solomon 3:6-5:1.  This week was by far the best, most open, honest talk about sex I’ve ever heard…in church.  Jeff did an amazing job of speaking truth….he only made me blush 1 time 🙂  The biggest thing I think an engaged couple can take away from this is S-L-O-W.  Solomon takes his time, and naturally the woman feels safe and secure and open to her husband.  I won’t go into great detail….but please take the time to watch or listen to this message.

This past week we talked about conflict.  You can watch or listen here.  I had the privilege of being on stage with Jeff for part of the service.

I joked that he brought me up on the conflict week…not the love week…what does that mean exactly?  Anyway – a lot of people may think that because I’m married to the pastor we have life and love all figured out and our relationship is perfect.  I was able to share that, in fact, it is NOT perfect.  Jeff and I both agree that the past few years has been a huge growing time for us and our marriage right now is by far the best that it has ever been.  Here are a few notes from Sunday:

1)  When it comes to conflict, the issue isn’t if we fight, but when.

Conflict will come into any relationship…There are 3 periods in a relationship

**The Honeymoon period – where spouse can do no wrong, still goo goo gaga, everything is perfect.  We both agree that our   “honeymoon period” was just that…it lasted through the honeymoon and the day we got home it ended…and entered into the….

** Disillusionment period – where all the illusions about who you thought your spouse was came crashing down.  You realize your spouse has flaws and friction begins.  And the 3rd period is the….

**Commitment Period – where you discover who your spouse really is, you know the good, bad and ugly and you vow to love them anyway.

2) Conflict is the by-product of unmet expectations, unfulfilled needs and unhealthy communications

Yes to all of the above.  After the honeymoon period, this was our marriage for the next 7-8 years.  Loads of unmet expectations, loads of resentment, awful communication and unfulfilled needs.  We went to bed many nights with unresolved conflicts and the devil had many footholds in our relationship.  I was good at holding things in.  Really, Jeff had no clue 90% of the time that there was anything wrong….then I would blow up.  It would take a few days to wade through all the hurt and resentment I had built up over however long.

I shared I didn’t like sex…and I didn’t.  It wasn’t fun, didn’t feel good and felt like a obligation to me.  And when physical touch and affirmation are your spouses biggest love languages, this didn’t go well for us.  He felt rejected and unloved, for a long period in our marriage.  He was trying to speak to me in his love language of physical touch, and that didn’t compute with me.  My love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service.  Here are the 5 languages:

Quality Time

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Go here to take a little quiz and see what your love language is.  And pick up the Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman.  It will revolutionize the way you communicate with your spouse.

While on stage…I didn’t have the opportunity to take notes the rest of the service…so there’s lots more to get from this message than just what I wrote here.  Please go listen to it or watch it here.  The audio should be up soon and the video later this week.

The bottom line is – conflict is a part of marriage.  Learn to fight fair, don’t give up in doing good (Gal. 6:9), and know that by talking about expectations…really, HEALTHY COMMUNICATION, is the key to an amazing marriage.

Oh….and I DO like sex now 😀  Just thought you should know!!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 9, 2010 11:46 am

    I’m so thankful for you and for that last line of your post! I love you my treasure, my darling, my dove, my bride! 🙂

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